apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
