well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
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