3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize