He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
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