i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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