hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Randomize
