Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
