btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
