the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
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