I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
