I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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