Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
