Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Of course I have a pirate flag
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Is Oprah even human
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
