I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
We're too hungover to prance.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Randomize
