She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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