He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
