Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Randomize
