why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
