i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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