If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
I am full of burrito and curiosity
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Randomize
