i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
Randomize
