I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
