If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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