I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Even the bartender felt bad for me
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
