i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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