um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
The beer is more important than you right now.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
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