Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
