I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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