Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
