I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
