Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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