its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
