What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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