Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
