I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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