I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize