there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
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