Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
