I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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