how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
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