I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
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