he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize