It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
