i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
