a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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