Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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