ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Randomize
