brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
