I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
one might say we're banned from that church
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
