sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Randomize
