it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize
