Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
