So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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