I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
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