I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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