Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
