I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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