I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
