I wish I could teleport
More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
In America we eat man semen.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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