So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
