There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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