I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
apparently the secret to your success is patron
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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