But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
My life is pants optional.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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